Way to Round three
After I got released the second time from Psychiatry, I thought I had the worst is left behind. I was happy to be with my father again. But I couldn’t reach my Mother via phone or at home. I have written in the last part that it would be the last time I’d see my mother for a long time. I tried to call her a lot and she never picked up her phone. I was sick with being in this helpless situation and several worst case scenarios went trough my mind. I went back to school after that. but I already had missed so much, that I was put in the class beneath my actual class, where I was threatend as some kind of alien. I have had very few chanses so see my friends. back at home I layed in bed and did basicially nothing. I was sick of fear for my mother which had entered a relationship with a literally psychopath. I couldn’t see a way out of the misery, I partly wasn’t all that bad as before, but I got dictated by my fear. I have to refer to my last post, where I told you my medication let me be tired all day and gain 20KG in just three months which made it extra difficult. I developed shizophrenic Symptopms again and I eventually asked my dad to drive me back to psychiatry as I couldn’t learn stuff at school, had no friends and energy to do anything but laying around.
Appeariently there was no bed free at the youth psychiatry, so I was put with the adults in closed psychiatry. Which is the worst place you can land when it’s about psychiatry. When I was briefed about the rules a grandma crawled on the floor and screamed for help. In the night there was constant screaming. And since this was a tall building, no fresh air or garden, but a smoking room with piss yellow walls from nicotine. I was shown the toilets and the sign said “Toilet for Humans” not male or female, no - for humans … in the first night there I couldn’t sleep so arount 4am I called my mom and she got on the line the first time since months hearing nothing from her. I sad “mom, I’m back in Psychiatry” she just replied “So what? I’ve enough problems” That should be the last thing I should hear from her for seven years. At this point I was done fighting against this psychosis. I just gave in and accepted my faith. They tought I was ready to get in Open-Adult-Station but at this time I already had Consciousness gaps. I remember nearly nothing from this station. When I was put in youth psychiatry I was happy but I just got tempoarily better, after that I couldn’t remember some months. Probably 4 or so. I was told from my “Inmates”, that I rarely spoke and asked wired questions. Everything felt like in a dream and was obscure. But what I remember was voices that laughed at me. Because of this voices I made strange sounds, partly just in my head, but also in real life. It was a moaning, which I couldn’t contol. The others laughed about this. But I was ashamed and couldn’t control this. Because of this extreme psychosis, they gave me a whole meal of mediakation, so to speak.
The most effective therapies for me at the youth psychiatry was the sports program. Most of them were voluntary. Like walking 3 hours through the woods, two times a week. Ballsports etc. wieght lifting and swimming. I took part in all of them and started making push ups and crunches. I did it so regulary that I got up to 50 push ups and lost most of my gained weight ~15KG. This was my way out of my psychosis, sports with healthy diet food and cardio e.g. walking trough woods. The other Therapy was Music Therapy. I always hated being forced to play instuments, my Therapist offered me another possibility, which was listen to my music and talk about what it means to me, or what it could mean. I always looked forward to these sessions. To a total of 7 months I was this time in psychiatry. And my psychiatrist and social worker agreed that going home was no option for me, instead I shoud go to a living group for teens and young adults that have mental illnesses as well.
The livingoup which specified on young adults with mental illnesses was a fresh start for me, where all the others had similar problems like me. I was happy back then. I wasn’t forced to do anything but got help to work on myslef from people with experience. At first, I drove every week to my dad and we made a ritual with our favourite meals and Movie Nights. My wounds had time to heal and me and my father felt a bond, that none of us had to speak out, because we both felt it and knew what we had on eachother. After a long period of time I felt save and happy. My living group also provided apprenticeships like painter, hair cutter office etc. I did internships for painter and 2 internships as Butcher. But I went back to school and graduated he Secondary Middle school with very good grades. I like to think about this time. Back then I was 17 and when I got 18 I was given a flat with 2 weekly visits from a social worker. Other than that, I was on my own. I met my first big love at this time, we were so in love, it gives me right now a big grin :-)