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psyche personality

Hi There, I’d like to blog about my past

My Problems started back before I was in Elementary school. My Mom already has betrayed my Dad. So even before my fist day at School I was seperated from my father. While I was in 3rd or 4th grade, my Grandma (the mother of my mother) was dying of brain Cancer. I was living together with my Big Sister with my Mom. My Mother was at this time very on edge, for example I was waking up in the middle of the night from shouting. My Mother yelled to my older sister “If I ever catch you again stealing, I’m taking an Axe and chop your hands off!” There often were moments like this. Eventually my sister at the age of 13 ran away. She wanted to stay with my Dad, but he wasn’t the Biological father, so that didn’t work. So my sister was moved to a residential group for young ones. She later said to me, she regrets to not have taken me with her. So alone with my mother and her mother close to death, I was back then really on edge. I remember my teacher making a gradmajoke, when I literally tableflipped and screaming towards my teacher. I got fat and couldn’t even care less about anything anymore. I wasn’t a stupid kid, I red Stephen Kings “it” when being in 4th class. Neither less, I went to “Hauptschule” which means something as lower secondary school, while all my friends were sent to middle secondary school I freaking hated this school where none of my friends were and I got in several fights. My way out of this was learning, become better; with success, I changed to middle secondary school, and was back with my friends again. Things seemd to work yout for me. Even my parents were moving back together. Sadly this luck bared not very long with me. My Mother had jet another affair, and was again fighting with my father, she got an office Job at Porsche and felt as something better or what not. She started to go to vacation with me and my sister, Which came from the resident. But not with my father. We went to vacation on an alp. I was long time alone left with a tv and food, but no mother with me, at some point I thought she might be injured or sth. alike. I saw here with the dude that owned the alp chatting and basicly fucking him with her eyes. back at home my mother has taken several vacations alone, said she needs a time on her own. My dad saw the Telephone Bill and knew exactly what was going on. My dad showed me the Bill and everything made sense. At this time I was like 12-13 yo. My father and I sat down to write a letter to my mom, basicially telling her, she can thread my dad however she liked, but at least to me she should be honest (she didn’t knew that I did knew). It was probably wrong from my father to come to me, but I was happy to not be treated as a kid. My Mother told me that she sees another man, and I played surprised. with that now being official, the divorce was on it’s way. My grades dropped and I had a pretty wild attitude, I vandalized, stole, beat up and insult together with starting to drink Alkohol, and smoking Cigarettes. I did several fucked up things my parents don’t know about till today. I kinda could asses about this dude she got and there was nearly nothing good about this dude. He owned the alp we did vacation in. He wore Hawaiian shirts with gold necklace and grey chest hair. The absolute impersonalized macho, that yells unfriendly at the restaurant, makes jokes about insulting his dying brother, grabbed the (from him employed) waitress at her ass, and so on.

I knew my mother had a good side and I even understood what blind love can do, but I wanted to protect my mom from this monster. At this time I already lost my fake friends, since she dragged me every weekend to this literally motherfucker.

The most Important but wrong decicion of my life

At the age of 14 my parents got a divorce. Here’s what I did: I asked my father if it’s okay if I stick with my Mom, because I don’t want to leave her alone with this maniac and want to protect her. My father understoof what I ment and said He’ll be fine. When moving to my mom my grades dropped like mad, I refused to do anything schoolrelated, and she didn’t care, I started to smoke infront of her, and she said nothing as long as I was quiet. At this moment I had no friends, a constandt grumbeling and yelling mom, and the worst thing, I had to spend all of my free time (the weekends) With her and him. He lived around 3h away from our home, because my mom had still her job at porsche, so it was a weekend relationshit. When we were with him, I had to sleep on a field mattress and as backgroundsound I heard them constantly fucking, once I was at the toilet and this fucker came in naked with a wet tip on his … anyways. At some point I stood up for myself and demanded to stay the weekend at home alone. Not knowing that things will go even worse than yet

Pain starts when the Muscle is relaxing

I think this is the reason why I got my psychosis on my first weekend alone at home. I could relax and had a bit distance. I went to a diner and ate some food, while having a very intense chat with some old grannys, we laughed a lot and I remember them saying “Oh, I’ve never thought there were teenagers like that” (in a positive way). Back at home I felt like on speed. I won every Counterstrike game googled for knowledge and scientific articles like mad and wrote a Hypothetice to my teacher, which turned out to be some trash and confuse writings. I tried to contact a former friend and told him, that learning connects synapses and that learning is simply conentration, so when you concentrate about being smart, you become smart. The way I talked reminded the Mother of my former friend about a case in family, which happend to be Schitzophrenic. She contacted my parents and told them about it. I’ve never thought to see my parents next to each other again, but at this sunday they both stood the same time next to each other at the doorstep. I was so intensly happy to see them next to each other and even talking to each other, I couldn’t beleve it. Now what they did was touching my forehead and said “It’s so hot, maybe you have fever, let’s get you a doctor” I didn’t gave it a second thought and was so happy they talk to each other again. I remind that there was the most beautiful sunset, I’ve ever seen. But while driving I somehow got frightend. I tought my mom and my dad were hypnotized and screamed at them to stop the car, since I feared we would crash the car. I tried to speak to the primal brain by giving them commands you’d give a dog. I was such frightend that I wanted to jump out of the car, which would be fatal, since we drove 80 km/h and there was a cliff next to the road. However my dad stopped me from jumping out of the car. Finally we arrived at the hospital, but I had no clue on where we were. There was some dude, who asked me some questions, like if I had taken drugs and so on. However I tought this were stupid questions, since I never have been taken drugs. I cannot remember most of the questions anymore. What I know is that I thought that the people around me are hypnotized and I am the only one walking around which isn’t hypnotized. I asked my father to take off his glasses, so I can slap him to get him out of his hypnosis. Later I heard that my mother had a mental breakdown and my father bursted out in tears. I have just once seen him cry before. The first time was because his herniated disc the other one at this time. I got to the hospital when it was night and I was 15 years old. they gave me medication to sleep and put me in a (I took it as one) drunk tank, but it really was a rubber cell happen to look like a drunk tank.

First time in psychiatry

I don’t remember the first few days in psychiatry, later I was told that I wanted everyone to quit smoking. I just quit smoking myself around 3 or 4 months before, but with all day time and all socialising happening in the smoking area, I started to smoke very quickly again. Then I was 15 years old and I am today, at the age of 30 still smoking. Some girl told me that they want to control my thoughts with the medication they gave me, so the first days I spit them out and they had to give me dissolvable tablets. The people there were besides that joke pretty friendly and we had much to talk (mostly while smoking). We hat much therapy, like sports, music, ergo (arts). I had to give urine and blood samples. So they knew I haven’t taken Drugs (which I didn’t). Or to know that I have no cancer cells, which I also didn’t. I was getting rapidly better, besides the therapy I mentioned, there were of course long talking sessions (2 times a week with a psychologist and one time a week with a psychiatrist and one times a week in a Group Session). We had also several duties, like cleaning the kitchen and tables, clean the ashtray make tea, we had to do make our beds. There even was a school, for the ones that got better. I got so quick better, that I thought I can go home now, which they wouldn’t recommend. They told me: “if the first Psychosis is threatened until you’re fully recovered, there is a 50/50 chanse you never get a psychosis again”. I was thinking I was fully recoverd, even if the doctors told otherwise. But I was pressuring my parents to let me go home again. To understand what “Fully recoverd” means you have to know. That a psychosis comes with 2 phases. the first is the acute phase, where you have all the delusions, manics, hallucinations etc. This phase is normally very short. It is also called Positive Symptomatic. Not positive because it’s good, but instead there are additional symptoms. Whereas the Minus Symptomatic you lack certain things, like extremly reduced motivation, power and concentration. You are so slow, as if you damaged your brain with 30 years of excessive smoking dope. I really underestimated this point. Since I was in a low stress environment, I didn’t know how I would react under stress. I didn’t listen to my Doctors and wanted to go home as quickly as possible (you really shouldn’t do this). I was a total of 4 months in psyciatry. Also I lost my so called “Friends”, which all talked bullshit and even made a youtube video about me with my real name attached to it.

Back at home

I pressured my parents to the point that the doctors let me go back home with my mother. My Mom was at full Helicopter mode. She forbid me to sit at the Computer. She dragged me back to earlier mentioned Motherfucker, I had no friends. I ended up going to school, where I couldn’t conecntrate to follow the subjects and didn’t care about anything anymore. My teachers tried to motivate my, but it was all for nothing. I just sat there dreaming, looking outside of the window and waiting till the lessons ended. Back at home I normally just layed there on the bed and did … well nothing. I once was good in sports but with gained weight, I felt ugly and ashamed. I constantly fighted with my mom. She thought I was healthy which I clearly wasn’t she blamed my recent failures either on me or the computer. skip 2 months after I left Psychiatry, I demanded her to take me back and go to therapy again. My Mother thought I was making jokes and use my Illness as an excuse to skip my duties. With protest she finally gave in and drove me back to the psychiatry

Back to the funny house

I felt relieved back there. All the stress could wait, I had done much sports and I kinda was happy to see my former “Inmates” again. I liked the long talkings, while smoking. They teached me how to roll cigarets, I collected my Medication mugs, building towers with it. When I thought I had a bad situation, the Psychiatry teached me, that no matter how bad you feel, there’s always someone that has to suffer more. I saw 14 year olds which had smoked Crystal Meth, Rape victims, girls with scars, thick like a finger across their whole body. People with anorexia, that only weight 30kg which get food via gastric tube. People that hear voices. Compulsive disorders where one needed 3-4 hours till they’re ready to sleep. There was a fat dude which got enrage, they put him after that to the grown ups. the other males were mostly stoners, with a few exceptions. When we had a bad time we started to purposeley hyperventilating, to get unconceness and just forget about our problems. My Psychologist and me agreed that I shouldn’t stay at home with my mother. Me, my Mother and my Psychologist had a conversation, where I careful explained to my mom, that I’d rather live with my father. I remember, that my mom twitched a second then cried, like I just died. After crying like mad my mom just was silent. That should be (with one exception) the last thing that I’d hear from her for seven years. One Punkrock Girl I remember was raped, couldn’t cope with it, so she started taking drugs. she cut herself daily. There was nearly no space left to get new scars so. It was a devil’s spiral. She was to sick for detox therapy and to addicted for psycho therapy. she had a Psychosis (heard voices), Depressions, Bordlerline, self-injurious behavior, bolemy. Ontop of that, usage of hard drugs. The girl was super friendly kind etc. and she was released back when I was the first time in psychiatry. On my last day of the second stay, she came in on the fixation bed, she screamed and streched like mad. So they gaver her a so called “beton injection”. An injection that let’s you quickly sleep for 1-2 days. But since she was used to very hard drugs, it didn’t work on her. She also lost extremly on weight. She was last time I saw her, chubby and now she was very thin because of her bolomy. She happend so screamd and fought her fixation bed the whole night and tried to bite off her tounge. The so called “Beton Injection” didn’t work even a bit. That was my last night at psychiatry. Full of yelling, shouting and creaking from fixation bed.